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Television performances of the situation comedy or rapid-fire gag varieties continued in 1956 to provide history's biggest forum for the display of that brand of humour thought of as typically United States. The following are some examples:
GARRY MOORE (CBS-TV) (Participating: Garry Moore, Denise Lor and Durward Kirby) MOORE: For some time now, we've been interested in a campaign to liven up our daily conversation by substituting new words for the old common-place ones we've got tired of. After all, things get pretty dull after you say them a couple thousand times . . . as regular watchers of this show can testify. However, new words would change all this. Take the old nursery rhyme, "Mary Had a Little Lamb." You know it, don't you, Durward? KIRBY: Sure. (Recites coyly) Mary had a little lamb, Its fleece was white as snow; And everywhere that Mary went, The lamb was sure to go. MOORE: Isn't he a doll? There's something of the Liberate in him. Any-way, with new words, "Mary Had a Little Lamb" becomes new and interesting all over again, like this: Mary had a blicken oof, It's prooze was white as werf; And glutendot that Mary gleat, The oof was sure to gerf. Isn't that fascinating? We were going to have entertainment today, but we decided to do this instead. Anyway, we got to wondering what some of our television shoes would sound like if they were done with new words. For instance, we might have Warren Hull in "Strike It Rozbort" or Ralph Edwards in "This Is Your Grammenfloof" then on Saturday nights you could hear "Your Snork Parade," starring Giselle Mc-Glozbar and Snooky Goofnik. And when you want to find out what kind of a day it's been, you tune in on John K. M. McSnidlit and the 11 o'clock swen. Yuh know, you're sitting there looking at me as if I were a darn fool . . . but you're understanding every word I'm saying . . and to prove it, suppose we do a television show with new words and show you how they improve things. The one we've selected to do is an old favourite of ours. . . . "Dragnet." BAND: ("Dragnet" theme) MOORE: This is the flanagan . . . A teeming bortisneed of 10.000.000 snidlits. My job is to keep law and grifits. I'm a Floop. BAND: ("Dragnet" theme) MOORE: My name is Sergeant Fozmerlude ... I'm a Floop. The orken you are about to hear is plut. It was taken from the files of the Berkendaddle. Only the girfs have been changed to protect the zahgan. It all began on Friday, April the zneep . . . zup P.M. I was in the grammeniloog oiling my dootenforzer. A report came in from headquarters that a woman with two mozniks had been jidnicked and glagened by a man carrying a .38-calibre dootenforzer . model M-i. It was the fourth jidnicking in three days . . . My job, to find this glagener ... I'm a Floop: BAND: (Theme and suspense) MOORE: My name is Sergeant Fozmerlude, ma'am I'm a Floop, ma'am ... I'd like you to tell me all you can about the jidnicking. DENISE: There's not much to tell. I was jidnicked and glagened, that's all. Happened last night. Man walked in carrying a .38-calibre dootenforzer . . MOORE: Did he say anything? DENISE: Not much. Just said, "Okay, lady, stick 'em up ... this is a jidnick." He wore a mask so I knew he was a glagener. Do you think you can find him, Sergeant . . . Sergeant .. . MOORE: Sergeant Fozmerlude, ma'am. DENISE: Fozmerlude? MOORE: That's right. ma'am ... Sergeant Fozmerlude ... I'm a Floop. Tell us exactly what happened. DENISE: I was upstairs with my two little mozniks. It was their bed time. I was reading them a story about Little Red Stootniggin and the Three Snorks .. . MOORE: Go on. DENISE: Suddenly the doorbell rang. MOORE: The doorbell? DENISE: Yeah, you know . . . the naffenshpiel. It was this man with the .38-calibre dootenforzer. MOORE: After he told you it was a jidnick, did he glagen anything? DENISE: A little Mama-Shlumple that belonged to my oldest moznik. MOORE: Her Marna-Shlumple? DENISE: Yeah. Gave it to her for Christmas. Pretty little Mama-Shlumple. Nice one, too . looked just like her, too. MOORE: Looked just like who, ma'am? DENISE: You know, that movie actress, Pozbo. Her picture's playing downtown now. MOORE: The Mama-Shlumple looked like Ava Pozbo? DENISE: That's right. Just like Ava Pozbo. Funny a big man should glagen a Mama-Shlumple from my little moznik. Why should he do a thing like that, Sergeant . Sergeant . MOORE: Friday, ma'am. Is that all you can tell us? DENISE: That's all. Except for one thing. MOORE: One thing? DENISE: I pushed him down the stairs. MOORE: Ma'am? DENISE: I pushed him down the stairs. MOORE: Was he hurt? DENISE: Fractured his yokniddle. BAND: ("Dragnet" theme) MOORE: We were looking for a man with a fractured yokniddle and a _Mama-Shlumple. A man answering this description was seen on Sixth avenue, lingering near the subway blinken. A further check showed that he had gone into a movie theatre ... the feature picture ... Ava Pozbo in Blzowani masbortle... We found him in the balcony with his fractured yoknicldlc in a sling and the Mama-Shlumple in the seat beside him. BAND: ("Dragnet" opening) MOORE: As a result of tonight's orken, the prisoner was found mentally gemixed. He was sent to the State Home for Chronic Poopniddles. BAND: (Theme and playoff)
OZZIE AND HARRIET (ABC-TV) ('The scene is in the Nelson bedroom. Harriet is at her dressing table. She is just putting on the finishing touches and looks beautiful. David comes in. He is all dressed except for his coat, which is on his arm.) DAVID: Gee you look beautiful, Mom. Everybody'll think you're my sister for sure. HARRIET: Thank you, dear. Do you really mean that or are you practising up for Cathy's mother? DAVID: Oh, are you kidding, Mom? I don't think I'd have the nerve to say anything like that to a girl's mother. HARRIET: Oh, and don't worry about tonight. DAVID: Oh, I'm not. I'm sure everybody'll have a good time. HARRIET: No, I mean about your father and Ricky and me. As soon as we meet all your friends we'll get right out of the way and let you have your own party just as you want it. DAVID: Well, gee, you don't have to rush right off. After all it is your house. HARRIET: It's our house and it's your party—say, I hate to rush you. dear, but hadn't you better get going pretty soon? DAVID: Yeah, I was just looking for my plaid vest. Have you seen it around any place? HARRIET: It was in your closet this afternoon. I saw it. DAVID: So did I, but it isn't there now. I wonder what happened to it. (Ozzie conies in wearing David's plaid vest) OZZIE: Has anybody seen my brown cashmere coat? DAVID: Oh, yeah, I have it right here. I was wondering if I could borrow it for tonight. OZZIE: Oh, yeah, sure .. . DAVID: (Hesitates) Gee . . OZZIE: Is something the matter? DAVID: I was kinda figuring on wearing my plaid vest with it. OZZIE: Oh, sure. Here you are, Dave. (Takes vest off and hands it to him) DAVID: Gee, I hate to do this. OZZIE: Oh, don't be silly. I'll wear my gray suit. It's a little more conservative anyway. DAvid: Well, I've gotta go and pick up my date. I hope her mother likes me. OZZIE: Well, remember what I said. Dave. Just tell her how young she looks and you're all set. DAVID: (Laughs) I'm afraid I haven't got the nerve, Pop. I'll see you later. OZZIE: Goodnight. HARRIET: Goodnight, Dave. (David exits) OZZIE: I hope my gray suit is pressed. HARRIET: Now remember, dear. BOTH TOGETHER: This is David's party. HARRIET: And I want you to promise me you won't try to organize a bunch of games and start tackling practice in the living room. OZZIE: Hey, that's right. There'll be quite a few football players here tonight, won't there? HARRIET: Yes, and they get all the practice they need on the field. OZZIE: For goodness sakes, Harriet, I'm not gonna play football in the living room. HARRIET: And no card tricks. OZZIE: Please, I may be corny, but I'm not that corny. (David comes to doorway) David: Hey, Pop. Did you want these for something? OZZIE: What's that? DAVID: This deck of cards. They were in my vest pocket. (Scene: Nelson living room. Ozzie looks out bay window) OZZIE: (Calls upstairs) Harriet! HARRIET: What do you want? OZZIE: Come down, will you, the crowd is starting to arrive. (A little later, Ricky is halfway down the stairs, struggling with his drums. They are stuck) Ricky: Hey, Pop. Help me with these drums, will you? OZZIE: Ricky, you know what David said. Now take those drums back upstairs. Ricky: That's what I'm trying to do. I'm stuck. (Ozzie starts up to help him. The doorbell rings) OZZIE: (Calls) Just a second. (To Ricky as he frees it) Careful now, Don't scratch up the banister. (He rushes downstairs and opens the door. It is Don and a girl and two other couples) OZZIE: Oh hello, Don, come on in. DoN: H'ya, Mr. Nelson. I don't know if you know everybody or not OZZIE: Well, they all look familiar. (They exchange greetings) How's your kid brother with the measles? DoN: Oh, he's coming along fine, thanks. (Some more couples arrive) OZZIE: Come on in, fellahs and girls. I'm Dave's father. (They exchange greetings) Don't give me the grip by mistake, fellahs, I'm not a Kappa Sig, (Don sees Ricky struggling with the drums) DON: H'ya, Rick. Are we gonna have some music tonight? RicKY: I don't know. I was just gonna take the drums upstairs. Do: Are you kidding? Come on, let's get 'em down here. I'll give you a hand. NANCY: Do you have a record player? RICKY: Yeah, it's right in the den. NANCY: Oh, good, maybe we can have some dancing. (More couples have come in the front door, including Dave and Cathy) DAVID: Pop, I want you to meet Cathy Williams. This is my father, (They exchange greetings) Where's Mom? OZZIE: Here she is. (As Harriet comes down the stairs.) (Harriet and Cathy exchange greetings. More couples come in the front door. Shortly afterward, three couples come in through dining room. One of the guys is Chuck) CHUCK: We came in the back way. I hope it's okay. (Harriet moves toward them) HARRIET: Sure it iS. CHUCK: How have you been. Mrs. Nelson? HARRIET: Fine, thanks, Chuck. CHUCK: Do you know everybody? HARRIET: I think so. But don't ask me to call off their names. (She takes their coats) CHUCK: I hope you don't mind. I couldn't help but notice a lot of food as I came through the kitchen. Does that mean we're going to eat tonight I hope? HARRIET: It sure does. (David steps up) DAVID: I thought you guys said you just wanted Cokes and potato chips CHUBBY: Not me. I'm on a diet. I can't eat potato chips. Do you have any hamburgers? DAVID: About 50 pounds of them. GIRL: I'll help you cook them, Mrs. Nelson. I'm really a good cook. CHUBBY: Stop bragging. (Scene: In the Nelson den. Ricky has his drums set up and is looking over the records) Ricky: What kind of a tempo do you like? Nancy: Anything smooth and dreamy. (She picks one up) How's this one? "Cuban Fantasy." Ricky: That's real good. The music starts. It is a Latin tempo. Ricky picks up the bongo drum and plays with the record) (Scene: Living room. In this and following scene some of cast have Cokes. Ozzie is standing there with several football players. They all have their coats off) OZZIE: In my opinion, the basic principles of defensive end play are the same now as they were 25 years ago. You get across that line of scrimmage, get those hands in front of you. Then you've gotta determine whether you're gonna turn the play in or float out with it. Don: Tell Bob about the point of weakness, Mr. Nelson. (Bob is a big strong guy) OZZIE: Well ... no matter how strong a position you take you can be pushed off balance with two fingers at your point of weakness. Dos:: Take a strong position, Bob. BOB: (Does) How's this? OZZIE: That's good. (Demonstrates) Now look, your two feet are your positives. If I draw a line perpendicular to that line, that is your point of weakness and I can push you off balance with my two fingers. (He does) (Meanwhile, we hear music from the den) Bole How about that? I knew my geometry would come in handy one of these days. (Nancy enters) NANCY: Hey, come on in the den, everybody. Ricky and Betty are doing a terrific dance. (Scene: Den. A crowd is standing around encouraging Ricky and his partner, who are doing a fast-tempo dance. They finish to much applause) (Scene: Nelson bedroom. Several girls are standing with Harriet admiring the curtains) Girl: I think these curtains are just beautiful. HARRIET: Thank you. GIRL: They match the curtains on your dressing table, don't they? HARRIET: Yes, they do. (David comes to the door) David: Hey, Mom, I hate to interrupt this, but some of the guys were wondering when we were gonna eat. HARRIET: Okay. Put on the coffee, Dave, and I'll be right down. (Scene: Den. Couples are dancing. It is a medium-tempo fox trot. Ozzie is dancing with Cathy) OZZIE: It was very thoughtful of you to ask me to dance with you, Cathy. (Scene: Backyard. A group of boys and girls are playing basketball. Others playing badminton. Others are watching. All are having fun) (Scene: Nelson kitchen. Harriet is cooking hamburgers. Eager boys are surrounding her, lending helping hands) (Scene: Nelson living room. Some kids are playing pin the tail on the donkey. One boy is blindfolded but when a pretty girl sashays by, he follows her. Harriet appears in dining room and rings a dinner bell) HARRIET: Come and get it. (They do) (Scene: Nelson hall. The party is breaking up) Girl.: It was a wonderful party. DAVID: Gee. Mom, Pop, I don't know how to thank you. Everybody said this was the best party the Kappa Sigs ever had. HARRIET: I'm glad they had a good time, dear. DAVID: Gee, you and Pop sure made a big hit with everybody. Even Ricky was less obnoxious than usual. RICKY: I thought I was quite charming, myself. HARRIET: (To Ricky) You were wonderful, dear. OZZIE: They're a nice bunch of kids and that Cathy is just about the cutest girl you've ever been out with, Dave. HARRIET: She sure is. OZZIE: I'm glad you like her. OZZIE: Don't keep her out too late now. David): Oh, I don't have to worry about that. Her mother seemed to take a liking to me right away. OZZIE: Goodnight, son. (They shake hands and David goes out the front door) (Scene: Boys' bedroom. Ricky is dressing for a date. David is sitting on the bed) RICKY: Now let me get this straight. As I meet her mother, I say, "This can't be your mother. It must be your sister." DAVID: That's right, and believe me, it works like a charm. (Scene: Ricky is on Betty's front porch practising) RICKY: (To himself) You can't be Betty's mother, you don't look a day over 30. (He is satisfied so he confidently rings the bell. Betty answers the door) RICKY: Thanks. (As Betty goes to get her coat, Ricky sees a young woman reading a magazine) RICKY: I'm Ricky Nelson. WOMAN: Hello, Ricky. RICKY: This is impossible. WOMAN: Is something the matter? RICKY: You look so young. You look more like Betty's sister than her mother. You can't possibly be more than 30 or 31. WOMAN: I am Betty's sister. I'm 23 years old, and if you don't bring her home by 11 o'clock I'll phone the police. (Fade)
SID CAESAR ("People to People" from "Caesar's Hour," NBC-TV, written by Sid Caesar, Mel Tolkin, Larry Gelbart. Mel Brooks, Sheldon Keller; (D 1956 by Shellric Corp.)
CARL: Ladies and gentlemen, we have just visited Dr. John Wilkins . . the noted scientist and author . . . and now "People to People" takes you to the apartment of the noted jazz musician and recording artist . Mr. Cool Cees. Mr. Cees is considered the world's greatest exponent of rock and roll jazz. He lives in this modest apartment in midtown Manhattan. (Sid in chair; he turns around, and we see his glasses for the first time) CARL: Good evening, Mr. Cool Cees. SID: Good evening, Daddy. CARL: Do you mind if I call you Cool? SID: Is that my name? CARL: Yes. SID: Then go ahead, man, call me that name. CARL: That's certainly a nice apartment you have there, Cool. Sid: Yeah, man, like it's home . . . or somewhere. CARL: Would you care to show us around the room? SID: Yeah, man . like that would be solid. (He gets up) This is a wall. (Other side) And this is the other wall. And these other two match. It's a set. CARL: I notice there's a hole in the middle of the floor. What is that for? SID: Oh, man, that's the latest. You see I had this hole put in the room so now the whole room can be played as a record. It's in a new album, called "Rooms to Spin By." CARL: I notice you've got quite an art collection .. . SID: Yeah, man, I dig painting. CARL: But all the pictures seem to be upside down. SID: No, man, them pictures ain't upside down. I'm just standing this way for the show. When you leave ... I revert! Say, man, maybe you'd like to pick up on this? CARL: What's that, Cool? SID: My baby pictures. CARL: By the way, when were you born? SID: I was born 1927... on Feb. 38. CARL: And where were you born? SID: In Birdland. My mother was playing bongos with Herbie Hi Fi. CARL: May we get a closeup of that baby picture, Cool? SID: Yeah, sure, Pops. (Shot of Sid as baby with hair and glasses, lying on rug) ... This was when I was a little baby making the Pablum scene. You notice the bearskin rug.. . I had it made into this jacket. CARL: Would you play any of your records for us. Cool? SID: Like I'd admire to, Pop. Let's segue to the joy box and we'll lay some sound on you. (And he holds up a record) . . . Here it is, my latest release on the Prescription label. Now dig this, man. . . . This is a wild sound . (Spins record. No sound. Sid snaps fingers to music) . . . Do you like it? CARL: I can't hear it. SID: Nobody can hear it. But do you like it? CARL: Is that some special sort of hi-fi? SID: Oh, this is the highest they've ever fled. If they fi any higher than this, they'll foo. CARL: Cool . . . The world is becoming increasingly jazz conscious. I understand you yourself have just come back from a world-wide tour of jazz concerts. SID: Well, I didn't actually go around the world. I just stood a foot off the ground for a while, and watched it roll under me. (Carl laughs) CARL: Well, tell me, Cool, what was your impression of Europe? SID: Well, man . Europe's okay . but Asia swings! CARL: Cool .. . what advice do you have to young musicians? SID: Well, I would advise them to eat a solid breakfast, then klezmirize then eat a healthy lunch, then klezmirize, then you eat a great dinner, then klezmirize. CARL: Excuse me, Mr. Cees.... What does the word klezmirize mean? SID: What do you care? You're eating, ain't you? CARL: Cool, I hope we won't be imposing on you too much if we ask you to play something for us. I'm sure our audience is very anxious to hear you play. SID: Well, I'd be progressively honoured to wail for the cats watching in.... Please, step into the music room. (They go into the music room, where a band is set up) CARL: Is that your orchestra, Cool? SID: Yes, I got tired of changing the records so I just brought the boys down here. CARL: How many in your orchestra? SID: How many is 16? CARL: Sixteen. SID: That's it. Okay, one, two.... (Into music)
ERNIE KOVACS ("Welcome Transients," NBC-TV) (Setting: Simple living room; two chairs set at 45° to each other; small table in between. Pete Hanley should have plain, dark clothing, hair wet down flat, parted in middle, rimless glasses) BILL: The television programs that have interviews with out-of-town guests are particularly interesting when the guest has a sincere and personal experience to talk about. . . . And here is Ewing Kovacs as the M.C. in television's moving daytime interview show, "Welcome Transients." Kovacs: We knew that the listeners of "Welcome Transients" would be interested in the fascinating and exciting story that Mr. Albert Gridley has to tell.. . Mr. Gridley's story is one he will never forget... . PETE: Yes, it is etched into my mind forever. . . . It is as if it happened yesterday.. . Kovacs: Tell us your story, Mr. Gridley. PETE: Well, I was one of ... (Pause) Kovacs: One of five children. PETE: Yes, one of five children who went out . (Pause) Kovacs: West. ... With your father and mother. PETE: With my father and mother. We were out in the middle of the desert. I'll never forget what happened that day. . . . It was on the .. . (Pause) Kovacs: Fifth day. PETE: Fifth day after we left . (Pause) Kovacs: And wasn't the sun beating down? PETE: Yes, the sun was beating down and it was hot. Kovacs: And did your 1918 Ford have motor trouble? PETE: Yes, our 1918 Ford had motor trouble. It was ... (Pause) Kovacs: Terrible. PETE: Terrible. I'll never forget what Dad said. Dad said ... (Pause) Kovacs: Did he tell you to go to the nearest town to get a new fan belt? PETE: Yes, he told me to go to the nearest town to get a new fan belt. My four sisters . (Pause) Kovacs: They were: Alice, Mabel, Myrtle and Bessie? PETE: Yes, Alice, Mabel, Myrtle and Bossie. Kovacs: Bessie. PETE: Yes, Bessie. Kovacs: What did your sisters do? PETE: They Kovacs: Did they stay behind in the car while you went in for the fan belt? PETE: They stayed behind in the car while I went in for the fan belt. Kovacs: And what happened while you were in town getting the fan belt? . . . What happened to Myrtle? PETE: Myrtle? Kovacs: Your sister. PETE: Oh yes, Myrtle my sister.... I'll never forget it.... A wolf .. . (Pause) Kovacs: Did a rattlesnake bite your sister Myrtle? PETE: Yes, a rattlesnake bit my sister Myrtle . . . on the arm? Kovacs: Leg. PETE: Yes, on the leg. I'll never forget it.... It was terrible. Kovacs: And then your father killed the snake and when you came back from town with the fan belt you fixed the car, and you drove off to settle in California and everything went well after that. . . . PETE: Yes. . Like you said. Kovacs: Thank you for coming on "Welcome Transients," Mr. Gridley. You had a wonderful and exciting story to tell . . . one that lived with you every moment. PETE: Yes, I'll never forget it.... It is etched in my memory.
GEORGE GOBEL (NBC-TV) There's been a rash of elopements breaking out lately. I read of one family where the butler eloped with the maid, the gardener eloped with the cook and the dish ran away with the spoon. That's how Alice and I got married; we eloped. It was a carefully planned elopement. She planned it. I didn't even know about it. See, what happened was we were out on a date one night, and we were sitting around a dark little soda fountain and the soda jerk said, "Do you like chocolate malteds?" And Alice said, "I do." Then he said to me, "Do you like chocolate malteds?" And I said, "I do." And the. soda jerk said. "You may now kiss the bride." Now that I look back on it, I shoulda figured there was something kinky when we walked into that drugstore and the pharmacist was singing "0 Promise Me." But I'm not sorry it happened, because Alice and I have been happily married for 14 years now. Well, Alice has been happily married for 14 years. I figure if I get six or seven happy years out of it, I'm ahead of the game. See. I go along with the great philosopher Plato. who said—and I quote: "Marriage is like a hanging. It leaves you blue in the face and you break your glasses."
SAM LEVENSON (CBS-TV; © 1957, by Sam Levenson) Papa's second cousin owed him $50. He couldn't pay, so he gave Pop his car. Mama threw a fit: "What are we going to do with a car?" "Foolish question," said Pop. The old gent got a learner's permit, and his son Harry, who didn't have a licence, took him out for instruction. Pop cane back from his first lesson white as a ghost. Mom said: "Don't tell me! I know. You killed somebody." Mom began to faint. Pop went right into his address to the jury: "That blind horse! I am going like this, he is coming like that. . . . So I make like this.... He makes like that.. . So what are you looking at me for? All right. The car's in the garage. A couple of scratches." Pop secretly borrowed $5o from the cousin who owed him money and had the car repaired. The night before his road test, Pop was delirious. He drove Mom out of bed four times and kept braking the bed post till it actually broke. The inspector gave Pop his licence out of deference for his age and determination. This is what happened. When Papa saw the inspector who was going to give him his road test his mind went blank. "Well." said the inspector. "Let's get going." And Papa said, "I forgot how to open the door." When Papa got into the car he had more knee action than the car. "Okay, first back up," said the inspector. That was one thing Papa could do perfectly. He backed up slowly, quietly, right onto the sidewalk, flush against the side of a building. The inspector told Papa to keep calm and go forward. Papa calmly shifted into reverse again and stepped on the gas. The motor raced like mad, but the building wouldn't budge. By this time there were at least 100 people watching him. Two guys were selling balloons, and four kids got lost. Papa put the car into reverse, stepped on the gas, but the car still wouldn't move. Papa finally wiped his brow meekly and apologized to the inspector:. "I'm sorry. I must be out of gas!" |
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All rights reserved © Robert Falk, 2005 |
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